1. You slowly develop the kind of OCD your mom had
before guests came over when you were a kid. She’s be on hands and knees
scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush and now you sort of get where she
was coming from. Because if the stamps on your invites aren’t at a PERFECT 90*
angle, you’re convinced your wedding will be ruined! And you kind of hate yourself for it.
2. You’ve taken to sporadically speaking in tongues
using previously unheard of words like organza underskirt, place card and bustle.
Also, your understanding of Bridal Blog acronyms has becomes so worrisome your
girlfriends hosted an intervention for you. WHAT do you mean the MOG is wearing
white to the RD!? DH better fix this before the JP has to find him a new FW!!!
3.You hide your collection of wedding porn (ie the
STACKS of wedding magazines, blogs, clippings and pieces of tattered ribbon)
whenever anyone comes to your house. Whenever anyone isn’t there your fiancée
has to swim through the page clippings and magazines thrown open all over the
couch, coffee table, dining room table and kitchen counter, while stepping over
you on the floor with your Macbook open to your Wedding Board on Pinterest. Whenever anyone else walks into the room you minimize your screen like they caught you looking at porn. This is a daily occurrence.
4. You can’t make decisions about ANY aspect of the
wedding without consulting at least four other of your girlfriend’s opinions. Red
roses or white candles? Vanilla or chocolate? Black suits or grey suits? They’ve
taken to blocking your number.
5. Eating, food shopping, laundry and cleaning have
generally become second, third and fourth thoughts in your list of things to
get done. Whenever your fiancée comes home from work to ask what we’re doing
for dinner you get a maniacal gleam in your eye like how could anyone POSSIBLY
think about eating at a time like this!? The Save the Dates have to go out by
THURSDAY!
6. You would rather watch The Ring on loop than plan your seating chart.
7. You half finished lists of everything that needs
to get done all over your house. Post-it’s in the kitchen, 6 started lists on
Notes and ripped sheets of loosleaf stuffed haphazardly in your purse. So far,
you’ve only successfully completed four things.
8. All you wanted to talk about was your wedding
the first four months of being engaged but by month 8 you hate everything
white. When your friends ask how planning is going it’s all you can do to keep
from breaking down in hysterics and twitter nervously like you've just killed someone and hid the body in your car. You can only be calmed by the alluring
fantasies of your honeymoon, relaxing in the sunshine, pina coladas and white
sand.
9. People you’ve only just met want to give you all
their advice on how to run the perfect wedding. Oh, you’ll need to make sure
the caterer is there four hours ahead of time, and oh, no did you order an Ivory dress? And gosh, you chose candles
over flowers? WHY?! You can feel your palm twitching with the desire to slap
these people across the face.
10.You’ve
taken up drinking like an extreme sport. It started with sipping champagne
while stuffing invites with your bridesmaids and quickly escalated to two shots
of Patron before you could even look at your guest list. Four or five beers on
a Tuesday night seems completely legit these days. Did I say night? Better start
at lunch.
11. You convince yourself you’re crafty enough to
complete those artsy projects online to save a few bucks. A supposedly twenty
minute project takes you six hours of sweat, hot glue and makes your hair look
like you just left Orlando in July. What results is centerpieces doused in glue
and glitter that look like they belong at the Russian Stripper Prom. Nailed it?
12. You
have recurring nightmares about being at your wedding and not having everything
ready. You’re about to walk down the aisle but your naked. Your photographer just
forgets about your wedding completely. Your cake is black and gothic. You wake
up in a cold sweat screaming, alarming your fiancée so much he falls out of bed. You hold up your ring finger to him and scream "YOU did this to me!!!"
13. You
look forward to the day after your wedding if only for the simple fact that
your bank account will then slowly begin to level out. Whenever you open Chase
you get the same sensation you get while about to head over a steep drop in a
roller coaster.
14. Everyone offers to help you put invitations
together and tie bows onto favors but no one actually shows up to help with
those things so you force your fiancée to tie ribbon onto the tiny bottles of
bubbles while he stares at you with disdain.
15. All
your friends think planning your wedding is so super fun but the truth is you’re
pretty much stuck in a horrific vortex of satin, cake, ribbon and lists of
people you mostly don’t know or hate. You consider a week where you only have two
meltdowns a true success. Is it almost over yet??
