I am sorry I haven’t written in a while. When the disaster
of tragedy slams into you with such force, it’s like nothing looks or feels or
tastes right. I feel like everything about me dissolved into ashes. The way I
thought, the person I am, what I liked and how I acted…and now that I’m here
nearly a year after it all I can see the change I underwent to transform myself
into a better person, subconsciously maybe. Healing after loss is not the
flitting passing of words, or empty promises from friends of how it’ll all be
okay but more the stark truth of looking at yourself in the mirror every
morning after having survived another night. I am not as eloquent with words when
speaking of my problems- in fact I don’t, which ends me up in a mess deeper
than the original problem. So I took my own time to learn how to speak, to be
brave in the darkness and put more than tears to these empty, awful, unending
feelings. And it took time. And it will take even more time. But at least now I
know that there could be no light without darkness and in the end some of these
awful things make the lights in our lives burn brighter.
For this post I won’t give in the consistent calling, the internal
struggle to tell you so much about how I feel terrible most days. That begging
to vocalize the darkness. I’m going to tell you instead about love, which we
all need a little more of, and someone who strongly, silently stood behind me
when I thought I was standing alone. Though words cannot begin to describe the
intensity of the last few months, or how I feel, there must be something said
for the man who kept vigil, watching me and doing everything in his power to
protect me. Philip Jason, thank you for being who you are. I love you dearly,
and this one’s for you.
Most of you probably know Philip Jason. If not, you’re going
to get a little insight on the man. Please, hold your applause. :)
Although blessed with the sort of inner beauty few people are
born with, I’m pretty fond of your outer beauty too…and since we all know how
much you love attention,(jk…sort of) I
thought everyone else should know too.
For everyone else: Philip Jason (yes I always call him by
his full name, if not the sort of pet names that irritate our friends, and then
Phil only when he’s in trouble) is just over 6 feet tall, lean perhaps to the
point of skinny, with denim blue eyes that light up when he’s smiling and blond
eyelashes and eyebrows. Although of Latin descent (which no one believes), his
skin is a creamy alabaster not exactly prone to sun-tanning. He might’ve been a
vampire in a past life. His hair has gone from brown to gold in the summer sun
which has also painted a lovely smattering of freckles on his broad shoulders.
Unexplainably, his moustache and goatee glint red and auburn. Of the many men I
have known, he is by far the most beautiful.
For Philip Jason: This October will be the 9th
year you and I have been together. 9 crazy, exciting, roller coaster, explosive
years that have seen so much loss, love, sorrow and joy I’d need several
computers to catalogue it all. We ourselves have had our own ups and downs, but
now that we’ve come to this unexpected crossroad I can say without fear or
doubt that you really are the most amazing man I’ve ever known and something
unexplainable will eternally link me to you, wherever this life takes me. Your
bravery is more pronounced than anyone gives you credit for. Your kindness
towards me and others is emotionally overwhelming and I know I can always
depend on your humor to lift me when I’m feeling down or scared. I think Winnie
the Pooh said it best, “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus
one day, so I never have to live without you”. Fairy tale bears tell wise
tales.
I wish I could explain with more finesse the depths of what
I know of as love. Maybe it’s not how you see love, or the way you respond to
others, but we all in this tiny world must share some sort of feeling of awe
when we look into someone else’s eyes and it makes us want to be better people.
Is there nothing more surprising and spectacular than that overwhelming
sensation to move mountains and change history for someone else? From a simple
look? For me, it is truth and honesty in its purest form. That I choose to
stand out in the open of this turbulent war field, with the wreckage of so many
before us, hand clasped with the one person I know feels poignantly brave,
simply from my presence. At the risk of sounding ridiculous, it’s almost as if
the shells fly past us, the smoke but warms our skin and while the rest of the
lost world is scrambling to find purchase, we are able to turn to one another
and smile because in this desolate landscape we both know we’ve already had our
victory. Love isn’t the glitter of fairy tale books or the made up magic of
Hollywood, but more the raw and terrifying truth that everything you are is
inside someone else.
If you, like me, have had the joyous experience to literally
grow up with the person you love, I’m sure you can relate to what I’m trying to
say. I don’t find fault with my friends and relatives who chose to be single in
those years of summer boys and high school, dating around, trying out different
guys and coming home to tell me after numerous dates that I was being naïve to
think true love had found me at 17. Maybe, to them, I was. But I think when
you’re young you are naïve about everything in life, and so looking back I’m
glad I had the chance to learn those truths, both comforting and terrifying, at
Philip Jason’s side, who being both older and perhaps wiser (sometimes ;)) had
enough strength and patience to help me learn. After nine years we are still
eager to learn and love is what brought us here.
I can’t pin point the time or date, or tell you exactly what
happened, and I’m sure so many people don’t believe in “love at first sight”
but there must be something said about those early years and the first time we
met. A party. With all our friends and lots of alcohol… Of course in my mind,
it’s now a movie set, where the lights are dimmed and the edges fade out, and all
I can really remember is when he walked into the room something inside me lit
up while everything else simultaneously fell away. Something in me just felt
right when he was there…it sounds monumentally cheesy in written description
but in truth it was simple, and pure and young. When my friends said summer
flings happen, true love won’t last and many men will be vying for my attention
I smiled knowingly at them and turned to Philip Jason. In retrospect, it seems
like much of that part of life was an inconsistent explosion of where to run to
next…a desperate survival tactic to remain normal. How could I not have clung
to the one amazingly reliable thing I knew? How could I believe there was
something better than his whispers of love in the darkness, the way he held me
when I was scared, the smile on his lovely sleeping face? How could there
possibly be anything more awe inspiring than his throaty laugh, the nape of his
neck and his voice like tinted glass? There simply wasn’t and while everyone
was telling me their version of truth, I knew inside I was already aware. I
think young love, though naïve, when it grows becomes unbreakable.
After the unbelievable amount of time, and dedication and love
and sorrow and excitement, we are still here, darling, stronger, smarter and
closer than ever. So let our friends make fun of our pet names, let them tell
us all good things must come to an end and let those who don’t understand be,
for we know it’s only because they’ve never known a love like ours. I will love you unconditionally,
faithfully and honestly until my dying day. Until forever…always and forever.
