15 Signs You're Planning a Wedding. A Realists Version.

1. You slowly develop the kind of OCD your mom had before guests came over when you were a kid. She’s be on hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush and now you sort of get where she was coming from. Because if the stamps on your invites aren’t at a PERFECT 90* angle, you’re convinced your wedding will be ruined! And you kind of hate yourself for it.

2.  You’ve taken to sporadically speaking in tongues using previously unheard of words like organza underskirt, place card and bustle. Also, your understanding of Bridal Blog acronyms has becomes so worrisome your girlfriends hosted an intervention for you. WHAT do you mean the MOG is wearing white to the RD!? DH better fix this before the JP has to find him a new FW!!!

3.You hide your collection of wedding porn (ie the STACKS of wedding magazines, blogs, clippings and pieces of tattered ribbon) whenever anyone comes to your house. Whenever anyone isn’t there your fiancée has to swim through the page clippings and magazines thrown open all over the couch, coffee table, dining room table and kitchen counter, while stepping over you on the floor with your Macbook open to your Wedding Board on Pinterest. Whenever anyone else walks into the room you minimize your screen like they caught you looking at porn. This is a daily occurrence.

4.  You can’t make decisions about ANY aspect of the wedding without consulting at least four other of your girlfriend’s opinions. Red roses or white candles? Vanilla or chocolate? Black suits or grey suits? They’ve taken to blocking your number.

5.   Eating, food shopping, laundry and cleaning have generally become second, third and fourth thoughts in your list of things to get done. Whenever your fiancée comes home from work to ask what we’re doing for dinner you get a maniacal gleam in your eye like how could anyone POSSIBLY think about eating at a time like this!? The Save the Dates have to go out by THURSDAY!

6. You would rather watch The Ring on loop than plan your seating chart.

7. You half finished lists of everything that needs to get done all over your house. Post-it’s in the kitchen, 6 started lists on Notes and ripped sheets of loosleaf stuffed haphazardly in your purse. So far, you’ve only successfully completed four things.

8.  All you wanted to talk about was your wedding the first four months of being engaged but by month 8 you hate everything white. When your friends ask how planning is going it’s all you can do to keep from breaking down in hysterics and twitter nervously like you've just killed someone and hid the body in your car. You can only be calmed by the alluring fantasies of your honeymoon, relaxing in the sunshine, pina coladas and white sand.

9. People you’ve only just met want to give you all their advice on how to run the perfect wedding. Oh, you’ll need to make sure the caterer is there four hours ahead of time, and oh, no did you order an Ivory dress? And gosh, you chose candles over flowers? WHY?! You can feel your palm twitching with the desire to slap these people across the face.

10.You’ve taken up drinking like an extreme sport. It started with sipping champagne while stuffing invites with your bridesmaids and quickly escalated to two shots of Patron before you could even look at your guest list. Four or five beers on a Tuesday night seems completely legit these days. Did I say night? Better start at lunch.

11. You convince yourself you’re crafty enough to complete those artsy projects online to save a few bucks. A supposedly twenty minute project takes you six hours of sweat, hot glue and makes your hair look like you just left Orlando in July. What results is centerpieces doused in glue and glitter that look like they belong at the Russian Stripper Prom. Nailed it?

12. You have recurring nightmares about being at your wedding and not having everything ready. You’re about to walk down the aisle but your naked. Your photographer just forgets about your wedding completely. Your cake is black and gothic. You wake up in a cold sweat screaming, alarming your fiancée so much he falls out of bed. You hold up your ring finger to him and scream "YOU did this to me!!!" 

13. You look forward to the day after your wedding if only for the simple fact that your bank account will then slowly begin to level out. Whenever you open Chase you get the same sensation you get while about to head over a steep drop in a roller coaster.

14.  Everyone offers to help you put invitations together and tie bows onto favors but no one actually shows up to help with those things so you force your fiancée to tie ribbon onto the tiny bottles of bubbles while he stares at you with disdain.

15.  All your friends think planning your wedding is so super fun but the truth is you’re pretty much stuck in a horrific vortex of satin, cake, ribbon and lists of people you mostly don’t know or hate.  You consider a week where you only have two meltdowns a true success. Is it almost over yet?? 

20 Somethings I would tell my 20 Something Self About Living in NY

1. Stay out past your bedtime. You’re paying nearly two grand for a one room shack in the less than glamorous part of a neighborhood your parents warned you against when you were a kid. There’s no luxury in our homes in NYC- we find our wealth in the unexpected rooftop parties, the “I swore I wouldn’t drink tequila” shots at 4am and the sunrise over the east river. Don’t go home. Go out until you’ve got no energy, no money, no problems but the simple question of “How will I survive work today?” Don’t worry, you will.   

  2. Keep a few singles in your pocket at all times. In a world run on the credit card it seems like a silly things to do and most New Yorkers NEVER carry cash for fear of A. losing their bags or B. having them stolen (which have both happened to everyone) However, a few singles could be the bottle of water you’re dying for at the bodega who has a ten dollar minimum, the tip for an unexpected taxi ride, beer or doorman or the least you can do when that homeless man walks by with no shoes on, dragging a suitcase behind him with death over his shoulder. And you don’t normally give out to the homeless but when something inside you breaks looking into the face of someone who has lost EVERYTHING you press the few singles into his palm wishing it were a hundred. Carry singles. 

3.       Don’t assume the world is out to get you. Because in reality it probably isn’t…it’s just that New Yorkers are prone to mistrust having been abused for so long by the comrades we share our city with. We are rude, distrustful, impatient and mean. And when you feel the subtle flush creeping out into your finger tips just looking and the idiot in the doorway of the subway who refuses to move even with the Bitch Stare and a curt “excuse me” try to stay calm. He wasn’t sent to ruin your entire day and before the day is over you’ll encounter something much worse. Move on.

4.    Walk everywhere. If it’s not raining or snowing and even if it is, walk. There is seldom anything more moving in this life than a city street hushed by a torrential snow storm. City blocks turn into seconds once you get your stride down. New Yorkers walk faster than most people run. So walk. It’s likely that you’ll leave NYC someday so catch all the mornings on 34^th street you can, all the drunken stumbles, the broken high heels and the blisters. The scars will always bring you your memories even after you’ve left.

5.     Once in a while walk around by yourself with your headphones on. It’s strangely exhilarating to feel “alone” in a city of millions of people. 

6.       Don’t be a New York snob. And don’t act like you don’t know what that means. When your friends from out of town visit don’t roll your eyes and sigh exaggeratedly when they want to see Times Square. Of course they do! They’ve never been here and once upon a time you wanted to see it too. So don’t deny them what you’ve had for so long. Go back to Times Square (yes, even on a Saturday) and climb the Empire State and jostle through the crowd of Rockefeller Center. All those great places and swarms of people are what made this city. Go to them lovingly like an old flame and take your friends to an obscure underground bar after to prove your street cred. 

7.       Once in a while leave New York. Go travel to another wild city, talk to strangers and eat weird food.  Visit your parents in their sweet suburb and enjoy a little silence. You’ll prattle on with old high school friends about how it’s so expensive in NYC and everyone is hot wired to be super efficient and everything is so dirty but there’s that gleam in your eye about it and you’ll spring to it’s defense should anyone else utter a word against it. You’re a New Yorker now and you proudly wear that badge when your away from it should anyone ask.  There’s nothing and I mean nothing half so soothing as flying onto the tarmac at JFK with the NYC skyline in the background. Go away. You’ll always find your way back.  

8.       One night stands are like snow storms. Inevitably, t hey happen once in a while and are beautiful while you’re caught up in the middle. But after the snow settles and is trampled by a million muddy boots the glitter becomes grimy and you need to go home and take a shower. 

9.       Join a gym. Yes you’re walking everywhere and probably getting more exercise than you ever have in your life. But you need a gym. A- it will motivate you to get your lazy ass up after a night of furtive drinking and go for a run (I understand this is not probable which is why we have reason B) B- It gives you a place to pee, shower and change before happy hour (the most commonly used reason for gym memberships in NYC) 

10.   Money can buy happiness in NYC and don’t let anyone fool you into believing otherwise. No, it can’t mend a broken heart or snuggle or tell you everything will be okay. But it can buy those cocktails at the hot new bar in the village with your friends, Yankee tickets to the opening game, those stilettos you’ve visited in Bloomingdales everyday for two months and the souped up laptop you’ve coveted since its debut. Chances are you won’t remember the $100 you put into your savings account in July of 2013, but you’ll always remember the homerun Jeter hit in the bottom of the ninth, the laughter of your friends after a broken heart in your favorite bar and the night you met your boyfriend in your new shoes. Saving is great, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes spending is great too.

11.   Go to museums, Broadway shows, fashion shows, sports games, concerts and cabarets WHENEVER you can. You’ll rarely regret it.

12.   Visit the Strand Book Store. They have literally thousands of books- old, rare, out of print, new and used. It’s a wonder to just see the volumes and volumes of bound leather and torn pages and the doggy eared folds from people who enjoyed them too once upon time. Don’t give your entire life over to your laptop and kindle and cell phone. There is something universally sacred in the weight of a real book and the smell of the dusty pages.  Try not to let technology rob you of those prayers.

13.   Beer before liquor never been sicker sort of looses meaning 8 pitchers of beer in. By that time shots of jager go down like orange juice…and you can’t remember climbing onto the bar to dance but you’re best friend has a picture of it. Try not to forget your shoes in that random diner you’ll end up at around 5am. 

14.   If you’re not a violent person before your first cup of coffee try to catch the sunrise at least once in Manhattan. When the first rays strike off the glass and chrome the whole city is lit up in a silver gold glow that mere words can’t describe. Everything glitters. And for a few brief moments before New York wrestles itself awake there is the silence of peace that sets everything in the world to rights. It is actual magic.

15.   Learn how to cook. You will save hundreds of dollars (that you can later spend on Knicks Tickets)

16.   Try not to walk around glued to the screen of your phone. Yeah Angry Birds is totally important, I get it. But there’s a lot to see in NYC and if you’re more focused on flinging birds into a digital sky you’ll miss it. All the strange shops and wonderful smells and interesting people. You need eyes to see that. Plus, the rest of us are tired of you walking into us.

17.   Smile a lot. I know that contradicts your entire bitchy New York attitude but it makes the rest of the world more open to you. A smile may fix someone else’s day without you even doing anything. It’s also better than the painful looking grimace most people adorn while aimlessly walking. Think about what you’re presenting to others…a smile goes a long way. (On a side note this also encourages strange men to shout inappropriate things at you. A simple good morning is enough of a response. I’ve always been wary to ignore those sort of things with strangers because you never know when someone is going to snap. If they say it nicely a polite response won’t kill you. Just say thanks and smile and walk on)

18.   Wear those weird pants with the strange print and the mini skirt with the ruffles and the 80’stee shirt and bizarre sneakers. One of the best things about fashion in NYC is that there are pretty much no rules...and there’s a 100% chance you’ll run into something MUCH weirder before lunch time. Try not to compare yourself to others so much and you’ll stand out more for it. So don’t feel shy about trying the new odd thing in that store window…you may regret it in 10 years but chances are you’ll regret all your fashion choices anyway. 

19.   Make mistakes. At work, in relationships, at home, with your friends and parents. It’s the only way to learn how to do things right. At least you can take something away from your mistakes.

20.   Try to be a good person. This world is full of horrors. You can’t changes everything or save everyone but you can do your best to be kind and helpful when someone needs it. That’s the best any of us can hope for.