Over the past month it’s come to my attention that there is
a serious problem with the lack of understanding of “courtship” between men and
women. Sorry, this isn’t a funny post. It’s an actual problem we (as women)
face everyday and one that is largely ignored by society in general. Men and
women. Please note I am not lumping all men into one expedited fucked up rape
culture organism, but I think it goes without saying that knowledge is the key
to prevention.
A few weeks ago I overheard some guys in a bar talking about
how they hate it when women are instantly “offended” at their friendly advancement. “Like I just want
to talk I don’t care that you have a boyfriend” or some such nonsense. Guys,
imagine you weigh half your actual weight. Shave 5 inches off your height. Make
yourself an instant beacon of glaring brightness in an otherwise dark street,
immediately attracting the attention of everything
bigger than you. Now, imagine your ENTIRE life, these bigger something’s have
shouted at you, grabbed you, followed you to your house and forced their friendly conversation on you. What
would you do to prevent them from getting too close?
It’s unsettling to think that other “excuses” will not
deflect this unwanted attention but it’s a sad truth and defense move on all
women’s part. Another males “possession”
is respected out of respect for that male. I could never simply not want your conversation…I have to be
previously engaged with another male and therefore my excuse is a valid one.
It’s sad and shameful but I think I can speak for many women that we have
played this trump card many times over our young lives. Guys, please take some
gentle advice and leave her alone if she says so. She doesn’t need any excuse
to not want to talk but if she gives one, heed it.
There is a realistic part of me that does feel badly for
many guys who are immediately vilified because of their predecessors. I’m sure
some of you are generally nice guys, honestly just wanting some conversation
but the next time you approach a woman please think of her side. Our whole
lives we’ve been taught to fear men one on one. We’ve been told not to get into
strange cars, always carry pepper spray, never walk alone. Don’t talk to
strange men (all men), don’t get involved with men you don’t know (most men).
Every pinpoint of anxiety has been carefully balanced on this tipping scale
between being taught to FEAR everything we have to someday find and fall in
love with. Can you blame women who shy from your friendly chit-chat?
A few weeks ago I went on a trip with my sisters and friends
for a bachelorette party. 12 girls. A basic wildfire in a pool of darkness to
every moth within 6 miles. Except these moths could kill us in 15 minutes if
they so chose. We went out to a bar, had a beer and sat down outside. Wouldn’t
you know it within 8 minutes a guy saunters up to our table and wearing his
most atrocious shit-eating grin and says “Hello beautiful ladies…which of you
are married?” Every hand went into the air. Red Flag, but of course, not being
so easily deterred, he stayed just to “talk” expounding upon his charming
qualities as a human being. Every girl had the tense body language and terse
answers that scream, “Get away from us”.
My defense in these sort of situations is to viscously mock everything
the man says until his ego is so beaten he limps away. It rarely works. For
twenty minutes he endured my abuse tossed at him about his choice of clothes,
his weak handshake, his haircut (all of which, I’d like to say were actually
fine). Deeming me “a firecracker” he proceeded to stand behind me in our group
of girls and talk to my sister about how nice my hair was. Guys, this may sound
like a strange scenario to you but you should know THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
It’s not funny, or cute and it does absolutely nothing to endear you to us. It
makes us feel defensive and hyper aware that you’ll follow us home, grab our
hands, force yourself upon us in every way we do not want. What would you do in
this situation?
Please don’t assume I’m a rare case who has come across some
mentally disturbed men, and that this doesn’t happen to all girls. I have
recently seen the hashtag #ALLWOMEN sprouting up on Facebook and Twitter and I
cannot think of two single words more appropriate to describe what is happening
in “rape culture” right now. (I hate those words too). Yes. ALL WOMEN. Yes it
happens every day. To your sisters, and friends and colleagues. When we walk
down the street and are catcalled to, when we are alone anywhere really,
unwanted attention is thrust upon us because we are indeed alone. I’m not the
only one, but yes I have been catcalled to, approached in bars, chased to my
font door on one particularly frightening occasion. I am five foot two on a
good day without heels. I weigh 140 pounds. 90% of men who so chose could hurt
me. If my husband took it upon himself he could send me to the emergency room
with one backhand. (This will never happen as my husband is a strong,
intelligent and loving man) But it is the physical truth.
I’m disgusted and hurt by the stories on the news today. She
was “sexually assaulted”. Stalked home…killed. Brutalized. He shot her seven
times in the head point blank for “leading him on”. Her skirt was short so she
deserved it. She should’ve just said no. No. A word. If only she had known when
he had the knife to her throat that no would have made him stop. Ignorance
breeds acceptance. Stop acting like this is an okay thing to happen.
Please, guys, be mindful of her when she looks at you with
fear in her eyes. Let her know you’re walking behind her on your way home.
Jingle your keys. Don’t force your conversation on her just because she’s
alone. Don’t assume she’s easy because her skirt is short, or that she owes you
anything, because no one owes you anything at all. We all earn what we work
hard for, not what is handed to us, or worse taken without consent. Be mindful
of the long list of things she has been taught to fear and that you are at the
very top. Teach your brothers and friends and sons that making women feel like
objects isn’t okay. Teach them to respect women. Maybe, someday, knowledge will
breed respect.
#Yesallwomen.
