Pie

The world is separated into two groups of women. Women who love to hang out in their living rooms naked, and women who cover up every inch of themselves at all times and possibly wear a raincoat in the shower. I'll bet you can all guess which one I am :)

In light of the festivities of the season I can inevitably spot the Raincoats walking down the street- counting mental calories, deducting side dishes, cocking their heads to one side on the subway when add up the portions from this week and where on their bodies those portions have added up. The worst part, of course, is that all of these women are so beautiful and they have no idea. Thanksgiving is the all American excuse to eat until we throw up...or at least can't stand up straight comfortably. Every year, the men congregate on the living room couches, clutter the floorspace to enjoy football (whatever that is) and digest after each round until they can burp up enough air to make room for dessert. The women flock in droves to the kitchen where they bitch about having eaten too much, regret painted over their shiny lips and look painfully at the dessert their dying for a slice of... I like to think I'm a lady 9 times our of ten. I keep my pinky up when drinking,  could outrun your ass in heels any day of the week and niceties are second hand vocabulary to me. But listen ladies- I'm sick of hearing you whine and bitch over your beautiful bodies so much that I've taken up a spot on the living room floor with the men. I'd rather watch grown men in tights attack each other over a ball than listen to your crap one more time. One slice won't kill you...and if it does, well at least you died happy...

I've spent 25 years watching my gorgeous perfect friends getting ready to go out...standing in front of mirrors pinching nonexistent fat and rubbing thier hands down thier sides, imagining themselves three sizes smaller. When I pop up in the background with a stupid face and push-up bra. I've never been modest. I know for sure I'm no super model, but I think I'm pretty in my own way and I like my body, no matter it's size... it's curvy in nice places and soft and I know I've got pretty eyes, because strange men tell me so on the subway all the time...So what my thighs touch? My legs look killer in stilettos. And who cares if my tummy isn't a perfect flat plane? There's a sexy little dip where each of my hipbones push against my skin. Maybe my lips could be fuller but I've got sparkly eyes and stellar natural black eyelashes...thanks Mom. For every thing about your body that isn't perfect, I'll bet I could name two things that are. Stop wasting time counting your imperfections.I think I can speak for most men when I say they like the softness of your skin, and the curve of your butt and the the little dips and valleys of your body that you freak out over. It's what makes you, you. And not every guy is dying to cuddle a stick figure every night at bedtime. Bones are uncomfortable. End of story.

My guy friends however, and boyfriends (past and present) mostly make goofy faces into the mirror, flex their muscles and simply think "Hell yeah, I look good today". And of course, the girls agree with them as they lean back to look at how big their but has grown...

I've never been a Raincoat. I'm not the type to turn down dessert...I've also never been skinnier than most of my friends and almost did a cartwheel last week in Saks when I fit into a size 6... (mental high five, girl!!) I like hanging out in my house with no clothes on and even better when there are mirrors around so I can make goofy faces. Where as my skinny beautiful friends and perfect sister stand with their goddess-like bodies and cringe at every wrinkle, every dimple and every plane not as flat as pavement. Their skin is glowing, their eyes so bright and glossy and I just can't understand how creatures so beautiful can look into any reflective surface and not think "Hell yeah, I look good today!"

Everyone has certainly got imperfections. But when your boyfriend sees you naked, believe me it's all he can do not to fall on his knees and thank god you let him touch you. He doesn't think, "Oh, my God, her thighs touch!" .. and if he does, he's gay. I've seen so many men almost crash cars trying to stare a little longer at these women. How can people so obviously fawned over ever think "I'm not pretty?" Give yourself a little slack this year girls. Everyone's tired of listening to you bitch anyways. Your boy friend, an his friends, and the pizza delivery guy all think you are very sexy just the way you are. In fact, the pizza delivery guy has been trying to get your number since high school... I'm just saying... So when your man goes to sprawl out on the living room floor and contemplate exactly how much he'll be able to eat for dessert, go cuddle with him, and pretend to watch football, and have a slice of pie. He'll still love you...he'll still think your perfect and sexy and when you go home that night, I promise he'll still try to get in your pants.And tomorrow when you guys look into the mirror, standing next to each other naked you can both say, "Hell yeah, I look good today!"

Happy thanksgiving everyone. Let's eat some pie :)