Pepper

Sometimes words just don't sum up the entirety of your emotions. Most times actually. Three days ago you walked out of my life and into eternity, or heaven or whatever that glimmer of hope is called. More than ever I look up into the sky and fantasize about where you are and what you're doing and how bad Nan is beating you with her wooden spoon. Since I was never so good with words as you and prayers are too often neglected, you should just know that I miss you so much. And while I know now, truly, that you will never read this, I promise to remember what I wrote, so I can tell you someday. Take comfort in the fact, cousin, that others will read and remember and through us all your life, and love and fiery spirit will never die. I love you so very much.

You're favorite color is purple. You hate ladybugs, but not so much as you hate spiders. Whenever one dared to come within 10 feet of you, you would scream bloody murder and try to bash the bug with whatever was closest to you- wine bottle, flip flop, Phil's hat. You loved to dance. I've spent more time with you in the clubs of Manhattan and Boston than anyone else- and I'm pretty sure you've tried to fight at least three people in each. You hate sushi. You won't even try it anymore, even though I've promised not to feed you raw fish. You played the flute like an angel when we were kids- all Ashley and I could ever do was screech on our violins and clarinets. We were a great band.

You rode horses and played tennis. We would visit One-Eye with Nan and feed him carrots. We picked blackberries in Southold and climbed that big pine tree to get away from Stinkweed. It never worked.
You put that silly crown in your hair whenever we go dancing. We nicknamed you Princess Sparkle. You love high heels but rarely wear them out, because you've fallen down more staircases than you've climbed. Your solution is to put me in the highest heels we can find, so you can still play dress up. We never exercised even though we always had grand ideas of being skinny. You drink more coffee than anyone I've ever met - except maybe Ashley or Rachel. Coffee flavored coffee. We'd look into my fancy stand mirror and each tell the other how pretty she is. Duh.

Your hair is never brushed- Don't even think you own a comb. You've got that golden mermaid hair that always seems like you just left the beach- or a hurricane. You bought anything covered in sequins. You're toes were always painted a bright shade. Everything we did, we did in cousin colors. We rode the roller coasters of six flags together for the first time last summer when you finally got me on one. You told me I was a big brave dog. You read more books than even me. We share the same deep seated hatred for the kindle and all other electronic devices threatening to extinguish our book stores. Except of course your Iphone 4 which went everywhere with you.

We've eaten too many cupcakes. Drank too many shots. Lo and behold we're hung over again- laughing on my couch at Phil and Rob playing the wii- drinking coffee black and eating bagels. Ignoring the phone calls from our parents who will yell at us for drinking too much again and ask us when are we coming home?

We slid down every slide in Splish Splash with Aunt Marg- and the torpedo. We swim in the ocean at Montauk together- try to trick Ashley into the surf where we lie about the temperature of the water. We both know it's freezing. We caught crabs off the docks in Greenport before you were an animal rights activist and decided fishing was "Small Aquatic Animal Torture". Sharkpartied- seperate but equal. You hoped for world peace, but started fights in every bar we went to. You loved to eat Greek food and we found ourselves in every Greek diner at 4am in NYC. You spent all your money on cigarettes which were never far from your favorite white leather bag. My fire escape is your smoke break room. No sis, I don't know where your lighter is.

We both suck at Mini golf- but we give it a shot every time we pass a course. You loved summer and dragged Ashley and I to the beach at least once a week. All your jewelry has small sea creatures and pearls on it. We went snowboarding once- after the second try we snowboarded into a fence and decided maybe we need some lessons. You laugh really hard sometimes and sound like Lisa Simpson- which makes all of us laugh. You make the best Schuma of anyone in the Antorino family. You are tone deaf but somehow made it into the all county chorus. I bet they never heard you sing kareoke.We vacationed at that old house in Montauk with the tiny TV and the huge back yard. You played cards like a fiend and I could never beat you. You love fascinators with large rhinestones and obnoxious feathers. We wore toe socks in your oldhouse and slid across the long hallway floor into your kitchen, Tom Cruise style. All your gloves had removable thumbs so you could text. We ate Pinkberry in K-Town by my old job assuming it was better for us than Hagen-Daz. It wasn't.

Nan bought us negligees in our colors for sleepovers in the thicket. We were pretty sure we were movie stars. We baked a lot- it never tasted good, especially the apple pie we fed to poor Pop. We rode our bikes down to the light house and climbed the 100 steps. We stood on Dead Mans Cliff dreaming of the sea. We opened lemonade stands for 25c a cup. We tried to sell potatoes to Stanley- even though we got them from his field. We chased chickens and drank tea with too much sugar and honey. We played on your tire swing and ran from your evil pet goat- Sparkles. We were amazing at Bomber Man, square controller. Aunt Marg helped us put on shows for Nans old biddy friends. You always had the best CD's. We listened to the Police on repeat for years. You always made us laugh.

You were such a good person. You were always always there for me. You smile a lot. I miss that most of all.

You were our Pepper, our sunshine, the light that led us through stormy nights, the funny wit that made us smile, the beautiful girl that told us to chase our dreams. Keep that seat on your left open for me, and the one on the right free for Ashley- I know someday, we'll all be together again. I love you so very much. Don't forget about me. Keep me in your heart and I'll keep you in mine. Someday we'll be three little girls sharing our secrets with each other again.