There's a lot of political unrest these days (mostly on facebook) about what's going to happen this November in the Presidential Election in regards to our healthcare, marriage laws and foreign policy. I know you're having a very difficult time decided between the red crap or the blue crap so I decided I would gallantly come to your rescue.
Personally, I think I would be a slamming President. I've got a degree from a school that's VERY difficult to get into, I smile a lot when I lie to people and I didn't get above a 1200 on my SATs. Aren't those all prerequisites?
So, here are 5 very good reasons why you should screw the other guys and vote for me instead. You can thank me later.
1. I would bring home all the troops serving overseas and basically everywhere besides America and start keeping our nose out of other people's business. You want your country to go down in flames? Great! Hope that works out for you. Our new foreign policy would include me not speaking to other countries for weeks (so they know I'm mad at them) and selling that peace rug they sent us to buy my Cabinet new Gucci Slingbacks.
2. My Secret Service Team would be a mix from the cast of Magic Mike and 300 and the new uniform would be an American flag Speedo so the country knows I'm very patriotic. And don't even tell me you wouldn't love to see Channing Tatum in a speedo holding the Presidential Purse.
3.In addition to casual Fridays in the workplace, I will implement Topless Tuesdays which will apply to corporate offices, food stores, department stores, boutiques and restaurants. This law will simultaneously reinvigorate the failing economy and give our senior citizens something to look forward to besides Veterans Day and death. Another small (but no less important) clause to this amendment will be that women over the age of 13 will not legally be allowed to leave their house without a bra on. It's for your own good, America.
4. Under my term as President all American Citizens will be created equal in the eyes of the law. All straight, gay, black, white, Asian, Indian, Spanish, tall, short, skinny and fat. EVERYONE will have the right to get married, get divorced, buy a house and have a job. Sorry guys, there's nothing funny about this one, it's just common sense.
5. And lastly (and perhaps most important!) I will make the pantsuit illegal! Dress code for the new President will be comprised of skinny jeans, blousy tops, stilettos, and fancy Chanel jackets (plus yoga pants for when I'm tired and cranky). If you see anyone in a pantsuit you reserve the right to bear arms against them and/or throw a tomato at their butt.You're welcome, America.
Okay so maybe my ideas are a little far fetched, but at least I've got a solid and truthful campaign, which seems to be a more stable platform than what the other guys are standing on. I think Amendment number 2 will at least fetch me a VP Spot. :)
Don't forget to vote! Jennie K Hurd, Novemeber 2012.
'Merica!
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